a call for communicaton

This is Leslie writing....just to be writing. I'm not even sure of what I have to say, but I'm hoping that other's will write and report in this aftermath of Carol's passing.

First of all I just want to express my extreme feelings of gratitude to everyone. What an amazing experience this was and what amazing people I met. For me personally this is a life-changing, life enhancing event that I am still integrating as I am guessing we all are.

The feeling of blankness and no words that descended on me after Carol passed is persisting yet I feel the need to reach out and connect with everyone. We were all involved in a very profound experience, whether we were physically there with Carol or not and many of us checked this blog several times a day. I know for myself I have continued to check in and greedily taken in whatever has been written.

I have felt bothered by my mood, wanting to shake it off, but I have finally decided to just let it be, ride it out. My thinking about it now is that I'm integrating this experience and it might take time. I'm just going to be patient and trust that this is a process.

What I've personally been bothered by is that prior to Carol's death I had just moved out, at the beginning of this summer, of a 2 year period of drawing inward, working at home, spending time with my husband, my daughter Liz's family and really no others.

After returning from Reno I have wanted to return to that state of withdrawal and it is difficult to regain the motivation to go out again, continuing to develop the new friendships that I have begun this summer. I want very much to feel the desire to venture out again and after some feelings of hopelessness I have realized that with time I will get back to that.

One of the things that I learned from Carol and the experience that we all just had is the power of connection with other people. She was a master of that wasn't she? And in fact that is what she reported to me with even more vehemence on one of the days preceding her death, that people are what count, relationships, building people, taking care of each other, putting our time and resources into each other is what is the most important. She told me with the preface of , "You know Leslie, I'm here, dying and this is what I can tell you...."

The other thing I wanted to talk about is what happened to me the night before I left Reno, because I've had a lot of questions about it. I still feel sheepish about the whole thing. Carol passed away at 1:30 in the morning, early Monday morning, on the 20th of August. No one had gotten much sleep for days.

When I arrived in Reno I was fighting a virus that had settled into my glands and throat. It seemed to pass and I didn't pay much attention to it.

Monday night, my mother, cousin Lois and Aunt June went to the Atlantiss Hotel to stay overnight. We were scheduled to fly out the next morning at 11:00. Because I snore horribly I had a room to myself. My room was supposed to be right across the hall from my mother's and aunt's but there was a mix-up and I was given a room in a whole other wing. I was thrilled to have a whole room to myself, a giant king-sized bed. I envisioned a good nights sleep, waking up when I woke up, a long bath, and breakfast with everyone before going to the airport.

At 4:30 in the morning though I awoke with sharp pains in my chest and difficulty breathing. I had never experienced anything like it and had no idea of what was going on. I called my husband in Michigan terrified that I might be having a heart attack. We didn't want to be over-reacting and yet he advised me to call 911. We don't have health insurance either so when they came and wanted to take me to the hospital in an ambulance I refused. By this time, my poor exhausted mother and cousin had come to the room. It is clear to me now that the fear exacerbated the pain I was experiencing making it worse. It was decided under great duress (caused by the absence of health insurance) that I should definitely go to the hospital, because something was clearly not right and we had to make sure, so Lois and my mother accompanied me by taxi to the hospital.

Once there, they determined that it wasn't a heart attack. They were concerned about a blood clot in the lung....Nope, not that. They finally figured out, and (then my family doctor filled me in on the details) that it was Pleurisy caused by the pressurized cabin of the airline flight to Reno, the presence of a virus, and then the high altitude of Reno which causes a pocket of pressure to form between the two layers of the lung causing excruciating pain upon each breathe. Within a day of coming home to sea level I was fine, no more pain, just the pain of the bill, $6000 plus.....

Mary, Mary, thanks so much for the wonderful flight home from Reno. I slept all of the way home in the lap of luxury.

My husband and I are looking at this whole no health insurance thing we're living with. It isn't a healthy dynamic in itself, but that's another story and we're responsible for that. Anyway, I just wanted to clear that up....what actually happened and how I am now.

Please, please write, and let us know how you are doing, even just to check in. Carol would want us to and this is an opportunity for support and healing, especially for Justin, Lois and her children and Aunt June who need our love and extra support right now.

I will be writing more often myself, but I don't want to be the only one, please.....I am happy to send out invitations to anyone who wants to post to this blog....Anyone can comment, but we want you to be able to post if you are drawn to do it......Thank you so much to Sharon, Polly, Ellen, Dolores for writing and Ellen thanks so much for calling our attention to Justin's comment....everyone. just e-mail me and I'll send you the prompt to join as an author- leslievictoria@msn.com

with love and gratitude- leslie