what to do?

It's hard to say. We all want to do the best thing. We are all in shock and there have been many phone conversations since we all got this unexpected news this morning. Carol was cooking up a storm just last week, sounding perky and confident, and eating good-n-plenty's. This all has happened so fast.

I have spoken with Don and he reported that we should definitely come out in spite of Aunt June's wishes for people to stay put. We love and respect Aunt June and her wishes and want to do the right thing. However Don told me, and then he called my mother, and told her, that Carol needs as many people right now as can come out. He said that Carol wants to see us, that she could die at any time, and that she wants her family with her at this time, which makes sense knowing Carol. She is, after all, all about family.

When I spoke to Don, he was out of Carol's room at the hospital so that he could use his cell phone. While we were talking, Justin came to tell Don that Carol wanted him to come back to the room because she was scared. Her lungs are filling up with fluid, but she is comfortable and her pain is being managed. She will be leaving the hospital today and going home where the room is being set up to better accomodate her needs. Hospice will be coming in to her home.

I am hoping that Aunt June will be comforted by our presence. We will be there to be of service, not to create commotion. Even if we are just sitting quietly outside Carol's bedroom, I know that Carol will be comforted by having people who love her close by. I am so grateful that Don is giving us clear direction, directly from Carol.

It looks as though my mother and I will be leaving to go there tomorrow. She is checking into getting airline tickets and I'm waiting to hear from her. more soon- love, leslie

EXHAUSTED and in lots of pain

Using Leslie's account again..I am so sick of this shit 24/7 ..the horrific pain I am experiencing in the back of my legs and down my back spine..its ongoing and makes me drained it took me 20 minutes just to do this dam blog! I FELT like a 747 airplane with a pit crew around me all day at the clinic..heating pad on my kidneys ...one on the botttom of my shins..all hooked up with tubes..treatments..peeing with my attachmentr call him chewbaca..so I am trying to knit scarfs for the staff..etc..but when the stuff in the tube hits, I shake..ughhhh!! got to snack constantly..or u throw up..have sores on my butt..now and was told to get in a soaking tub with baking soda..butt. haha..can't get out of the tub..once I get in..and tried my new hammock yesterday afternoon fell into it like a sack of potatoes..Don couldn't get me out had to fall on the floor..and crawl to the fireplace stoop..when he was able to get me up and into bed..so now Don will come and rub me down again..and have a call to the doctor for more pain meds..cuz I am eating vicodin like cotton candy does not help at all..how can people live in constant pain..as I feel like my Dad..I guess he was such a trooper..hope I have a better report tomorrow..love u all..my dear family and friends

G.I. Jane at Boot Camp (the amulet around my neck containing my father's ashes are my dog tags)

This is Carol writing, through Leslie, because I still can't get onto the darn blog. I don't know what is happening with that, but I do know that the blog is my lifeline and when I can't get on it panics me. Leslie is going to re-invite me. I guess I'm going to have to start all over again, with the registration and everything. I can't figure out why I can't get on.

So, yesterday was my first day at boot camp, my first round of holistic treatments at Reno Integrative Center. I am there at 8:30 every morning , until 2:30 in the afternoon for a variety of treatments.

They gave me a choice between the quiet room and the loud room and you can guess which one I chose, the "loud room"...(leslie's interjection- "you party girl, you"). I sat next to a beautiful saltwater fish tank and named all of the fish in the tank after my dear family and friends. So there all of you are, swimming around, looking at me. I brought 3 movies with me and my lunch.

I recieved various treatments throughout the day. The "oxygen push", also called the "fat lady sitting on your chest" is done through an IV in my arm. It acts to oxygenate the blood and flushes out the bad toxins. It makes your chest feel very asthmatic. I did it 3 times and afterwards they told me that most people can only do it once.

I talked to the doctor for an hour. Together we looked at a sample of my blood which he analyzed with me. He said the blood cells look very good and that I have a lot of "polly's" (probably not the right spelling....but it makes me think of my dear Polly) running around inside my blood stream. They act and move like little pac-men, but they look like beautiful little crystals of light. They are performing the important task of eating the bacteria off of the cells and are doing a very good job of it according to the doctor.

Because of the elimination process that these treatments are facilitating I was warned that I might experience some emotional pain, depression, but when I left the center yesterday I felt wonderful.

I went to Trader Joes and bought more expensive groceries, and I treated my normally frugal self to a set of beautiful, heavy metal pans. I will be cooking fabulous meals when I am well, (organic).

I went home and continued to feel good, but then without warning, at night I went into a devastating, nightmarish tailspin and found myself in the depths of despair from which I could find no way out. I wanted to write on the blog, BUT I COULDN'T LOG ON!!!! Nothing worked. I was in total despair through the night and into the morning. I woke up in excruciating pain, in my legs especially, and could barely get out of my bed. I have new found compassion for the pain of people who are ill.

I was expecting emotional pain but I was not prepared for the extent and depth of it. I cried and cried and cried, which I don't like to do. It isn't like me. I do feel better though, now, as I start my day and prepare to go back. Don is going to help me by massaging my legs to help relieve the pain.

I am going back in today for more. I love you all. I was so happy to see that you wrote, Lynne. Thank you SO much. I am very much looking forward to the care package that you are sending. Thank you too, Aunt Phyllis. Loved hearing from you. I think of you as a big sister too, as well as an aunt. Thank you Phyllis. Thank you Ellen. Thank you Dolores. Thank you Liz, for all the latest comments. It means so much to me to read what you write to me. It is my lifeline right now.

I feel so blessed by all of the love and care in my life. I love you all deeply. Hi Mom! I'll see all of you today in the fish tank, -love, Carol

LAKE TAHOE

IT was a beautiful day up there, and we lunched at the "Lone Eagle Grille" a very upscale restaurant with spectacular views of the water and the mountains..we sat outside and the temp..was 75 up there, opposed to 99 down here I had a calamari caesar salad..split of champagne..he he..then a nice orange pekoe tea with honey..stopped at the thrift store could not resist,,got a couple toy cars for Jake ..he collects them and they are precisely lined up on his bed...likes McQueen..from that car movie..bought some books..and a couple nice hang out dresses/nitey/casual corner/polo..now I am home in bed..Radiation still making me a little exhausted..and then Justin and gang will be here tomorrrow..so I am eating grapes and drinking tea..being a good girl! later

BLOG BOOB

POSTED A BIG OLD BLOG TODAY and it crashed,,I was sooo upset..it was about the food I have to eat now..not too too bad..Polly and I hit Whole Foods today..which should only be for the sick and rich..157.00 later,,,fllax seed oil..special teas..etc..it was sickening....Trader Joe's from now on..have the staples now..have to have a glass of saurakraut before breakfast...yummy!! and had to make my own mayo and other kind of spread no more butter..even olive oil.dont unerstand that one..but can have fish and cheese...and whole grain breads..also organic wine..one glass a day..but my desire is gone...perplexing!! me no wine..???? very very very tired today///had to give control to Polly and she made me take a nap while SHE prepared it all!! later

RADIATION FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RADIATION done, finished out of my bald head!! Gave me a "Purple Heart Award" and a card signed by all the doctors, radiologists. wow!!!!! and two free passes to their health spa!!..SHARON and John just stopped by with their dog Rory..and some Chicago polish rye bread..yum..and a virgin Mary picture and charm..shes all around me..and the gardener gave me two of those big old Virgin Mary candles that I'm burning..I look like Frida Kahlo in bed right now..start on mega vitamins tomorrow for my new program..so it begins..but as far as I am concerned...its already gone...more later!

BELLATRIX/LYNN

BELLATRIX..aka Lynn, my only cousin in New Jersey, from my other side of my family I have come to know..she has a daughter Amanda lots of cats and a husband, MIke..she looks a lot like me, and hope to meet her in person soon..she has enlightened me on the dysfunctional family my Mother married into and got out of which saved mine and hers, plus family health history..of breast cancer killing the women..she is cheerful..upbeat, and a riot..so much energy
ALSO,,soon I will have pictures of me as soon as Sharon comes back from Chicago my Kodak Easy share camera has a problem..and I want to share photos of girfriends, Fred and me.I think!
Another thing..I dont want to be the "Blog hog" so post stuff of your own..its not all about cousin Carol! OK!! and thanks Phyllis June for the comments too..

Dr. Wagner is off to Peru today to do his humanitarian work for a month but will be in touch by the blog..love you all..later