Our Girl Carol

Well I'm sitting in the living room of Carol's condo in Reno. How I wish I was here under happier circumstances. Her house is so her, charming, filled with interesting objects from all of her travels, loaded with photographs of family and friends, great art work, plants, wind chimes and twinkly lights on her courtyard walls and back porch. This is a house with a kitchen that is fully stocked, ready for the kind of spur of the moment parties Carol is known to throw.

It just seems cruel that this house filled to bursting with family and friends isn't the site of a spectacular party, but rather a last good-bye.

The difference between today and yesterday in Carol is marked. She has had a much quieter day, few if any complaints of pain. Yesterday was a day of arrivals and integrating all who arrived here. Today, as we have become more settled, she has settled. She has been so grateful that we are all here. It was definitely the right thing to do.

Today she has been barely conscious. She begins a thought, but can't complete the sentence. She has spent most of her day drifting in and out of sleep. When she does speak, it is often hard to understand and she can only say one or two words at a time, still she manages to try and joke with her one-two word capability. Her mood is rather somber over all, not sad, just quiet and composed. She told us that she isn't scared to die, she just isn't ready to go this soon. We sure aren't ready for her to go either.

Her doctors predicted that she would pass anywhere within 7-10 days when she left the hospital on Tuesday night. She can't sit up in bed by herself, can't walk, can't hold herself up. The speed with which this has gone on has been baffling. Carol won't want to live like this for long. We are all telling her that it is ok to go. This has all happened so fast.

Her agitation last night had to do with wanting to get up, wanting to rip out her catheter, wanting to get up and live and realizing that she couldn't. She is not fully cognizant of all that is going on any more.

Justin, her son has been taking charge of everything, all of the meds that she needs to take. he has barely left her side even to sleep. He has been amazing. Our hearts are breaking for him. He is an only child and he is losing his vibrant and very young mother.

I am getting very tired but I want to say that the outpouring of support in the form of cards, flowers, food, money, hotel rooms, airline tickets, hours of devotion and service, prayers has been just amazing. It is a genuine testament to the love and time Carol has put in to her friends and family.

In a moment of lucidity this morning Carol asked me to listen carefully to her, and then she told me that what she knows is that the ONLY thing that is important in life are our relationships with one another, and building self-esteem in each other. Her life sure is a testament to that. She managed to keep up with more people than I think any of us ever imagined. We are coming out of the woodwork to say our good-byes. Simply amazing....quite a girl, our Carol.

More tomorrow- love, leslie

G.I. Jane at Boot Camp (the amulet around my neck containing my father's ashes are my dog tags)

This is Carol writing, through Leslie, because I still can't get onto the darn blog. I don't know what is happening with that, but I do know that the blog is my lifeline and when I can't get on it panics me. Leslie is going to re-invite me. I guess I'm going to have to start all over again, with the registration and everything. I can't figure out why I can't get on.

So, yesterday was my first day at boot camp, my first round of holistic treatments at Reno Integrative Center. I am there at 8:30 every morning , until 2:30 in the afternoon for a variety of treatments.

They gave me a choice between the quiet room and the loud room and you can guess which one I chose, the "loud room"...(leslie's interjection- "you party girl, you"). I sat next to a beautiful saltwater fish tank and named all of the fish in the tank after my dear family and friends. So there all of you are, swimming around, looking at me. I brought 3 movies with me and my lunch.

I recieved various treatments throughout the day. The "oxygen push", also called the "fat lady sitting on your chest" is done through an IV in my arm. It acts to oxygenate the blood and flushes out the bad toxins. It makes your chest feel very asthmatic. I did it 3 times and afterwards they told me that most people can only do it once.

I talked to the doctor for an hour. Together we looked at a sample of my blood which he analyzed with me. He said the blood cells look very good and that I have a lot of "polly's" (probably not the right spelling....but it makes me think of my dear Polly) running around inside my blood stream. They act and move like little pac-men, but they look like beautiful little crystals of light. They are performing the important task of eating the bacteria off of the cells and are doing a very good job of it according to the doctor.

Because of the elimination process that these treatments are facilitating I was warned that I might experience some emotional pain, depression, but when I left the center yesterday I felt wonderful.

I went to Trader Joes and bought more expensive groceries, and I treated my normally frugal self to a set of beautiful, heavy metal pans. I will be cooking fabulous meals when I am well, (organic).

I went home and continued to feel good, but then without warning, at night I went into a devastating, nightmarish tailspin and found myself in the depths of despair from which I could find no way out. I wanted to write on the blog, BUT I COULDN'T LOG ON!!!! Nothing worked. I was in total despair through the night and into the morning. I woke up in excruciating pain, in my legs especially, and could barely get out of my bed. I have new found compassion for the pain of people who are ill.

I was expecting emotional pain but I was not prepared for the extent and depth of it. I cried and cried and cried, which I don't like to do. It isn't like me. I do feel better though, now, as I start my day and prepare to go back. Don is going to help me by massaging my legs to help relieve the pain.

I am going back in today for more. I love you all. I was so happy to see that you wrote, Lynne. Thank you SO much. I am very much looking forward to the care package that you are sending. Thank you too, Aunt Phyllis. Loved hearing from you. I think of you as a big sister too, as well as an aunt. Thank you Phyllis. Thank you Ellen. Thank you Dolores. Thank you Liz, for all the latest comments. It means so much to me to read what you write to me. It is my lifeline right now.

I feel so blessed by all of the love and care in my life. I love you all deeply. Hi Mom! I'll see all of you today in the fish tank, -love, Carol

BLOG BOOB

POSTED A BIG OLD BLOG TODAY and it crashed,,I was sooo upset..it was about the food I have to eat now..not too too bad..Polly and I hit Whole Foods today..which should only be for the sick and rich..157.00 later,,,fllax seed oil..special teas..etc..it was sickening....Trader Joe's from now on..have the staples now..have to have a glass of saurakraut before breakfast...yummy!! and had to make my own mayo and other kind of spread no more butter..even olive oil.dont unerstand that one..but can have fish and cheese...and whole grain breads..also organic wine..one glass a day..but my desire is gone...perplexing!! me no wine..???? very very very tired today///had to give control to Polly and she made me take a nap while SHE prepared it all!! later

OFFICIAL

OFFICIAL!!! Atlantis Casino will donate their staff..and catering room, dance floor..and an outside silent auction in the hall with another Bar ..if anyone wants to help. and attend..Don's apartment is free..Sharon has a room, and so does Polly..plus I can get a casino rate at the Atlantis.if you choose..and attendance is not necessary..Justin will be here with me..but I have a comfy couch and a big living room floor for an air bed..but like I said..$$$ to get here and I do not expect it..and I don't its just an invite..u all have yr own lives...period...
Had ahi tuna tonight/pasta,avacado..and feta organic salad..and good "n" plenty's..then I start the vitimin/veggie regemin tomorrow so this was my las harah! nite

TODAY

RADIATION..tomorrow last day..yeah!Had a hour and a half psychology session at the Holistic clinic..and did a little meditating..and he explained the program a lot more to me..and how forms of stress bring cancer on..just came to the realization that I am in the most advanced stage u can get..hello!! ..well..bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I TAKE IT ON!! Had a pedi and manicure at ha ha Walmart..today..being frugal..makes me feel so good..then after ran over to the fish market and bought a lobster tail, scallops. collsal shrimp, and Ahi tuna..got home cooked jasmine rice....sauteed the rest in white wine, onions and peppers, garlic...basil olive oil..and served it on the bed of rice,,I know when I am off the steriods..I will be sane with food again..cuz I am eating rye bread, butter and cream cheese, and yogurt every morning and sharing the crust with Fred..now I am eating "good and plenty's" while I am blogging, I could eat a bowl..Mom and I are the licorice queens.....ok nite everyone!!

OVER

OVER,and done...my cornea was flat..and he dilated my eye to see if we could proceed with laser..and we went to the chair and started the procedure//while holding Mary's hand. I was perfectly still and did not want to screw it up as he said if it did not work we might have to freeze it after all and I was freaking about that..it was intense pressure but not as bad as I envisioned..and he was very gentle..and would keep informing of what to expect..then at 80 percent I was almost done then laid down to get the last 20percent finished..and said FINALLY it was done, clear and repaired and I felt a sweep of elation over my body and mind..he will see me at 8am to check on me in the morning..so now Polly and I are watching the jewelry channel.. haha.and she is reheating me some petrale sole from last night..and very happy right now..by the way TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I WILL BE STARTING HOLISTIC TREATMENT ON AUGUST 7TH OFFICIALLY..AFTER my radiation is completed..on this coming thursday..NEVER EVER TO HAVE TRADITIONAL CHEMO IN MY LIFE FROM THIS DAY FORWARD..THANKS MY FAMILY..THANKS DR. HARDEEP..you lovely man..

728am

728am...sitting in bed..tookk my meds...staring into space wishing it was 10am..and I was home in bed with a patch on my eye..and it was OVER! had to try and sleep sitting up all night..but kind on fell sideways eventually! aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! bohooo!! Im a big bay, Iam a big baby!!..waah. wah!..ok got to shake..take a shower. brush my really bald head now..and get real..nice scarf Dolores bought me...nice sundress..and..St.Mary. my friend from AA will take me..ok..later...

operation postponed till 830am tomorrow

OK, went in at 10am...with St. Kay..and took 2 2mg valium..cuz I am a baby...lazer and freezing of the eye ball is not my thing right now

..so after my darling Indian young laid back very gentle doctor diliated my eye..saw that it was still not flat enough to operation on.as he would really like to spare me the freezing..and I love him for that

,,,so sent me back home as 75 percent is flat we just have to deal with getting the 25 percent resolved..so I am home sitting in bed..and I am not to do the computer anymore

..he says just watch TV..suits me fine the food channel is my passion as well as home improvement..fun for me..really..and this doctor's first name Hardeep..is coming in on his days off..wow! so happily to be running away and not having this done,

Kay and me went to $$$ Starbucks and I am having a green latte.soy cold ice tea with soy..and have my glasses back and I am now not bumping in to walls

...again, thanks for all the comments..thanks my beloved aunt Phyllis ,and of course my Aunt Margie is beloved to me as well..and plz ellen keep her informed as much as you can..

Don will be back tomorrow, thank God and my darling little Fred to get back on my bed and snuggle with me..he knows, i know that

...ok..so probably won't report back until tomrrow. and if u listen closely at 830am PST..you might hear the echos of screaming..and then relief,,,,,

love all of you...keep the support coming, prayers...meditation..my well..I will be back and healthy..beleive in me..and my holistic treatment..ok?

down the shitter

Yesterday started out as a good morning, but ended up being an exhausting, eventful day. I called my radiologist and left a message letting her know that I had decided to stop the radiation treatments. She returned my call within one minute because I also decided to stop taking the steroids. She immediately said to me, you MUST continue the radiation and the steroids or you could have a stroke or a seizure because of not completing the treatment. So she agreed to shorten the treatment by three days. I went and had my treatment yesterday as a result of the new information.
Back at home I found that I could not see out of my right eye at all. I started freaking out so I called Polly who had taken me in the morning and she rushed me to the emergency room at Reno Hospital. This was all about 2pm in the afternoon.
I was there for three hours for tests and found that I have a badly detached retina. They operated on it yesterday at. They stuck a needle in my eye and then Kay took me home.
I had to sit up all night to sleep so that it wouldn't detach more. This morning at 10am I will be going back in for the final part of the operation to and I am scared shitless, but I will be able to resume the blog after this is corrected. There will be 5 days of recovery and then I should be fine but I'm going through HELL. Thank you Leslie for writing this for me. Love to all.

GOOD MORNING FAMILYAND FRIENDS!!

OK, this morning I feel energetic..and in good spirits, and yet made another decision..i am stopping the radiation, yesterday was my last treatment. period..end of story..too many frankenstein things happening to my immune system..getting in my pick up my arm, over my heart monday..and another xray for the new treatment.then START 'boot camp" on tuesday am..for 6hrs, a day for almost a month..I am anxious to get this cootie be rid of, process going asap..they also have counseling there and a big part of it..I feel human and loved there..I am eating good..and doing the juice boogie..but right now I am being BAD..rye toast, butter, cream cheese and blueberry jam! ha! talk later...

THANKS ELLEN!

Thanks, ELLEN, she will read the blog to Mom..everyday..yea!! Ok. now that I am experiencing traditional radiation I see and feel the side effects..and this has absolutely convinced me that the alternative is the ONLY way to go..I have had and have thrush, yeast infection..sore kidneys..no energy..sweat like hell, and a new clear bubble in my right eye..I wake up everyday to a new thing..geez..anxoius to start the Boot Camp...NOW..just had a nice beet. kale..veggie juice drink..eeek....strange and weird...like drinking a cardboard smoothie..haha..Polly will be back later to make salmon and asparagas..yummy! and stay over...maybe I will write later...

THURSDAY AM

Up and at um...had a really good nites sleep last night! yea! Good attitude this morning, Thrush in my throat getting much better, have a swish and spit system going 4 times a day...ha (and no tongue kisses anyone, not even Fred!)ha..gross..but works..would someone please, keep Mom posted and read everyday about what I post here...it's an assignment for one of you, let me know who it is so I can beat them up if they don'T?..thanks..wish she had a laptop or email..but we talk constantly...she is home and in her comfort zone and that gives me peace and happiness..so Don is off to LAX for about 5 days, his son in law is going to be a newly inducted submarine Admiral in the Navy..he needs the escape..but I have lots of people around to take care of me etc..Kay the juice queen..Polly, Sharon, Marcy will be here saturday afternoon for awhile and Mary will stay sat night, and Don back sunday and go get Fido Fred back here..more later..Oh Mary my cuz and Eva..thanks for the comments, don't stop!

9 DAYS AND COUNTING RADIATION

OK, startrek over this am...SHARON took me to it..and stayed with me last night..Kay my "juicing" neighbor came over for dinner last night..as Polly brought over a pile of home made potato salad, and baked beans, made a healthy salad and nathans hot dogs..we pigged out! I am on steriods so it all goes down..I have been craving food I have never eaten..bad bald girl! Don helped us eat,,he has been a saint,,real love baby..when the chips are down..he's a jewel right now and I am sure will always be..I am blessed with my family and freinds I can't say that enough times too them..Justin calls me every night and Sara is in touch constantly..it's exceptional...makes my heart sing! Now Sharon is helping me organize ny closet and doing laundry and we just stopped at Jamba Juice for a healthy immune smoothie! and a new movie for me tonight..and Her husband just came and got Fred until the weekend at their house on Mt Rose highway..where he can run with the rabbits,,and be free...I feel at peace with this right now he is an active dog..and needs the exercise..as he is still a pup...so..I watch the food channel, and home channel all day..besides doing things here and there..I must get organized...one day at a time...for my new cootie free life..more later..

Well today has been an interesting one..some good, some not so good. I hope someone besides Leslie and Lois and the kids are reading this! Ha!..lets get some comments going, I need this guys, a lot! Ya want to see a bald girl cry...I can't even cry in my beer anymore! geez...called my regular doc in Florida today..not good he flipped out at the mere mention of any other treatment than regular traditional chemo...really got going..like a bunch of killers..ok that was wonderful to hear...like "hang um at the pass" ok then after talking to my radiation lady, she said..'do what ya have to for yourself 'will not abandon me..my internist here wants to hear more and to see me, she is also a Hospice, I guess that is how u spell it,,doc and very caring.....I want to live to see u all again and not feel dragged down and sick that is my goal..of course to be Cootie free..of the litte buggars..screw them..ok..Sharon will be over tonight with "Tootsie" liked it want to laugh tonight....love u all my dear family..help me fight this please...

progress

I have made a decision on my treatment as of yesterday, and its alternative medicine..with renointegrative.com check it out. I have compared regular conventional treatment of highly poisonous toxins that invade your cells and kill your entire immune system in the process and then you. I have obligated myslef to the shitty radiation treatments that I am geeting until around the 7th of Aug..but want the brain lesions shrunk..and then hop right over to "boot camp" as they call it for an intense 6hr 3 or 4 week chemo program there which they do...I am at peace with this and feel more human and not an FDA victim..and if u all want to really survive in this world get the book The PH Miracle it will save your life..Hannah, Eli..I loved your words, and I love u both..Leslie..u already know...

POGONIP..pix I took Christmas day 05

MY JOURNEY,
My heart begins with this tree, it's the way I feel right now, like the frozen branches in the fog waiting for the sun to cast its early rays and take out all of the things that make it stiff and crystal.
This is how I begin with my battle until I rid myself of this poison in my body, and you will all be able to accompany me on the way if you choose to read the blog; feel free to comment, I would like that very much, and it will help me, as well as prayers and ka bookie dances or whatever you do to drive out evil. I was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer 2 weeks ago, and sadly it went into my brain..it has metastasized.into lesions..so cannot be surgically removed..so I have to be radiated..like in a star trek waiting room, for the next 12 days now, it was 15..then on Aug 13th -SIX MONTHS of Chemo...Justin shaved my head yesterday, and I am happy, as I was already starting to loose my hair and I hated that! I am into scarfs and baseball caps...and look like (cannot spell) Shinade O'Connor, but cuter! send me a scarf.. haha...ok tired now..will try and write every chance I get, and let you be the fly on the wall...need good vibes and lots and lots of uplifting support which goes unsaid for my beloved family and friends..I WILL BEAT this, because I am strong and have an awesome attitude.I promise you all that!