Our Girl Carol

Well I'm sitting in the living room of Carol's condo in Reno. How I wish I was here under happier circumstances. Her house is so her, charming, filled with interesting objects from all of her travels, loaded with photographs of family and friends, great art work, plants, wind chimes and twinkly lights on her courtyard walls and back porch. This is a house with a kitchen that is fully stocked, ready for the kind of spur of the moment parties Carol is known to throw.

It just seems cruel that this house filled to bursting with family and friends isn't the site of a spectacular party, but rather a last good-bye.

The difference between today and yesterday in Carol is marked. She has had a much quieter day, few if any complaints of pain. Yesterday was a day of arrivals and integrating all who arrived here. Today, as we have become more settled, she has settled. She has been so grateful that we are all here. It was definitely the right thing to do.

Today she has been barely conscious. She begins a thought, but can't complete the sentence. She has spent most of her day drifting in and out of sleep. When she does speak, it is often hard to understand and she can only say one or two words at a time, still she manages to try and joke with her one-two word capability. Her mood is rather somber over all, not sad, just quiet and composed. She told us that she isn't scared to die, she just isn't ready to go this soon. We sure aren't ready for her to go either.

Her doctors predicted that she would pass anywhere within 7-10 days when she left the hospital on Tuesday night. She can't sit up in bed by herself, can't walk, can't hold herself up. The speed with which this has gone on has been baffling. Carol won't want to live like this for long. We are all telling her that it is ok to go. This has all happened so fast.

Her agitation last night had to do with wanting to get up, wanting to rip out her catheter, wanting to get up and live and realizing that she couldn't. She is not fully cognizant of all that is going on any more.

Justin, her son has been taking charge of everything, all of the meds that she needs to take. he has barely left her side even to sleep. He has been amazing. Our hearts are breaking for him. He is an only child and he is losing his vibrant and very young mother.

I am getting very tired but I want to say that the outpouring of support in the form of cards, flowers, food, money, hotel rooms, airline tickets, hours of devotion and service, prayers has been just amazing. It is a genuine testament to the love and time Carol has put in to her friends and family.

In a moment of lucidity this morning Carol asked me to listen carefully to her, and then she told me that what she knows is that the ONLY thing that is important in life are our relationships with one another, and building self-esteem in each other. Her life sure is a testament to that. She managed to keep up with more people than I think any of us ever imagined. We are coming out of the woodwork to say our good-byes. Simply amazing....quite a girl, our Carol.

More tomorrow- love, leslie