EXHAUSTED and in lots of pain

Using Leslie's account again..I am so sick of this shit 24/7 ..the horrific pain I am experiencing in the back of my legs and down my back spine..its ongoing and makes me drained it took me 20 minutes just to do this dam blog! I FELT like a 747 airplane with a pit crew around me all day at the clinic..heating pad on my kidneys ...one on the botttom of my shins..all hooked up with tubes..treatments..peeing with my attachmentr call him chewbaca..so I am trying to knit scarfs for the staff..etc..but when the stuff in the tube hits, I shake..ughhhh!! got to snack constantly..or u throw up..have sores on my butt..now and was told to get in a soaking tub with baking soda..butt. haha..can't get out of the tub..once I get in..and tried my new hammock yesterday afternoon fell into it like a sack of potatoes..Don couldn't get me out had to fall on the floor..and crawl to the fireplace stoop..when he was able to get me up and into bed..so now Don will come and rub me down again..and have a call to the doctor for more pain meds..cuz I am eating vicodin like cotton candy does not help at all..how can people live in constant pain..as I feel like my Dad..I guess he was such a trooper..hope I have a better report tomorrow..love u all..my dear family and friends

G.I. Jane at Boot Camp (the amulet around my neck containing my father's ashes are my dog tags)

This is Carol writing, through Leslie, because I still can't get onto the darn blog. I don't know what is happening with that, but I do know that the blog is my lifeline and when I can't get on it panics me. Leslie is going to re-invite me. I guess I'm going to have to start all over again, with the registration and everything. I can't figure out why I can't get on.

So, yesterday was my first day at boot camp, my first round of holistic treatments at Reno Integrative Center. I am there at 8:30 every morning , until 2:30 in the afternoon for a variety of treatments.

They gave me a choice between the quiet room and the loud room and you can guess which one I chose, the "loud room"...(leslie's interjection- "you party girl, you"). I sat next to a beautiful saltwater fish tank and named all of the fish in the tank after my dear family and friends. So there all of you are, swimming around, looking at me. I brought 3 movies with me and my lunch.

I recieved various treatments throughout the day. The "oxygen push", also called the "fat lady sitting on your chest" is done through an IV in my arm. It acts to oxygenate the blood and flushes out the bad toxins. It makes your chest feel very asthmatic. I did it 3 times and afterwards they told me that most people can only do it once.

I talked to the doctor for an hour. Together we looked at a sample of my blood which he analyzed with me. He said the blood cells look very good and that I have a lot of "polly's" (probably not the right spelling....but it makes me think of my dear Polly) running around inside my blood stream. They act and move like little pac-men, but they look like beautiful little crystals of light. They are performing the important task of eating the bacteria off of the cells and are doing a very good job of it according to the doctor.

Because of the elimination process that these treatments are facilitating I was warned that I might experience some emotional pain, depression, but when I left the center yesterday I felt wonderful.

I went to Trader Joes and bought more expensive groceries, and I treated my normally frugal self to a set of beautiful, heavy metal pans. I will be cooking fabulous meals when I am well, (organic).

I went home and continued to feel good, but then without warning, at night I went into a devastating, nightmarish tailspin and found myself in the depths of despair from which I could find no way out. I wanted to write on the blog, BUT I COULDN'T LOG ON!!!! Nothing worked. I was in total despair through the night and into the morning. I woke up in excruciating pain, in my legs especially, and could barely get out of my bed. I have new found compassion for the pain of people who are ill.

I was expecting emotional pain but I was not prepared for the extent and depth of it. I cried and cried and cried, which I don't like to do. It isn't like me. I do feel better though, now, as I start my day and prepare to go back. Don is going to help me by massaging my legs to help relieve the pain.

I am going back in today for more. I love you all. I was so happy to see that you wrote, Lynne. Thank you SO much. I am very much looking forward to the care package that you are sending. Thank you too, Aunt Phyllis. Loved hearing from you. I think of you as a big sister too, as well as an aunt. Thank you Phyllis. Thank you Ellen. Thank you Dolores. Thank you Liz, for all the latest comments. It means so much to me to read what you write to me. It is my lifeline right now.

I feel so blessed by all of the love and care in my life. I love you all deeply. Hi Mom! I'll see all of you today in the fish tank, -love, Carol

LAKE TAHOE

IT was a beautiful day up there, and we lunched at the "Lone Eagle Grille" a very upscale restaurant with spectacular views of the water and the mountains..we sat outside and the temp..was 75 up there, opposed to 99 down here I had a calamari caesar salad..split of champagne..he he..then a nice orange pekoe tea with honey..stopped at the thrift store could not resist,,got a couple toy cars for Jake ..he collects them and they are precisely lined up on his bed...likes McQueen..from that car movie..bought some books..and a couple nice hang out dresses/nitey/casual corner/polo..now I am home in bed..Radiation still making me a little exhausted..and then Justin and gang will be here tomorrrow..so I am eating grapes and drinking tea..being a good girl! later

BLOG BOOB

POSTED A BIG OLD BLOG TODAY and it crashed,,I was sooo upset..it was about the food I have to eat now..not too too bad..Polly and I hit Whole Foods today..which should only be for the sick and rich..157.00 later,,,fllax seed oil..special teas..etc..it was sickening....Trader Joe's from now on..have the staples now..have to have a glass of saurakraut before breakfast...yummy!! and had to make my own mayo and other kind of spread no more butter..even olive oil.dont unerstand that one..but can have fish and cheese...and whole grain breads..also organic wine..one glass a day..but my desire is gone...perplexing!! me no wine..???? very very very tired today///had to give control to Polly and she made me take a nap while SHE prepared it all!! later

RADIATION FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RADIATION done, finished out of my bald head!! Gave me a "Purple Heart Award" and a card signed by all the doctors, radiologists. wow!!!!! and two free passes to their health spa!!..SHARON and John just stopped by with their dog Rory..and some Chicago polish rye bread..yum..and a virgin Mary picture and charm..shes all around me..and the gardener gave me two of those big old Virgin Mary candles that I'm burning..I look like Frida Kahlo in bed right now..start on mega vitamins tomorrow for my new program..so it begins..but as far as I am concerned...its already gone...more later!

BELLATRIX/LYNN

BELLATRIX..aka Lynn, my only cousin in New Jersey, from my other side of my family I have come to know..she has a daughter Amanda lots of cats and a husband, MIke..she looks a lot like me, and hope to meet her in person soon..she has enlightened me on the dysfunctional family my Mother married into and got out of which saved mine and hers, plus family health history..of breast cancer killing the women..she is cheerful..upbeat, and a riot..so much energy
ALSO,,soon I will have pictures of me as soon as Sharon comes back from Chicago my Kodak Easy share camera has a problem..and I want to share photos of girfriends, Fred and me.I think!
Another thing..I dont want to be the "Blog hog" so post stuff of your own..its not all about cousin Carol! OK!! and thanks Phyllis June for the comments too..

Dr. Wagner is off to Peru today to do his humanitarian work for a month but will be in touch by the blog..love you all..later

TODAY

RADIATION..tomorrow last day..yeah!Had a hour and a half psychology session at the Holistic clinic..and did a little meditating..and he explained the program a lot more to me..and how forms of stress bring cancer on..just came to the realization that I am in the most advanced stage u can get..hello!! ..well..bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I TAKE IT ON!! Had a pedi and manicure at ha ha Walmart..today..being frugal..makes me feel so good..then after ran over to the fish market and bought a lobster tail, scallops. collsal shrimp, and Ahi tuna..got home cooked jasmine rice....sauteed the rest in white wine, onions and peppers, garlic...basil olive oil..and served it on the bed of rice,,I know when I am off the steriods..I will be sane with food again..cuz I am eating rye bread, butter and cream cheese, and yogurt every morning and sharing the crust with Fred..now I am eating "good and plenty's" while I am blogging, I could eat a bowl..Mom and I are the licorice queens.....ok nite everyone!!

OVER

OVER,and done...my cornea was flat..and he dilated my eye to see if we could proceed with laser..and we went to the chair and started the procedure//while holding Mary's hand. I was perfectly still and did not want to screw it up as he said if it did not work we might have to freeze it after all and I was freaking about that..it was intense pressure but not as bad as I envisioned..and he was very gentle..and would keep informing of what to expect..then at 80 percent I was almost done then laid down to get the last 20percent finished..and said FINALLY it was done, clear and repaired and I felt a sweep of elation over my body and mind..he will see me at 8am to check on me in the morning..so now Polly and I are watching the jewelry channel.. haha.and she is reheating me some petrale sole from last night..and very happy right now..by the way TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I WILL BE STARTING HOLISTIC TREATMENT ON AUGUST 7TH OFFICIALLY..AFTER my radiation is completed..on this coming thursday..NEVER EVER TO HAVE TRADITIONAL CHEMO IN MY LIFE FROM THIS DAY FORWARD..THANKS MY FAMILY..THANKS DR. HARDEEP..you lovely man..

down the shitter

Yesterday started out as a good morning, but ended up being an exhausting, eventful day. I called my radiologist and left a message letting her know that I had decided to stop the radiation treatments. She returned my call within one minute because I also decided to stop taking the steroids. She immediately said to me, you MUST continue the radiation and the steroids or you could have a stroke or a seizure because of not completing the treatment. So she agreed to shorten the treatment by three days. I went and had my treatment yesterday as a result of the new information.
Back at home I found that I could not see out of my right eye at all. I started freaking out so I called Polly who had taken me in the morning and she rushed me to the emergency room at Reno Hospital. This was all about 2pm in the afternoon.
I was there for three hours for tests and found that I have a badly detached retina. They operated on it yesterday at. They stuck a needle in my eye and then Kay took me home.
I had to sit up all night to sleep so that it wouldn't detach more. This morning at 10am I will be going back in for the final part of the operation to and I am scared shitless, but I will be able to resume the blog after this is corrected. There will be 5 days of recovery and then I should be fine but I'm going through HELL. Thank you Leslie for writing this for me. Love to all.

GOOD MORNING FAMILYAND FRIENDS!!

OK, this morning I feel energetic..and in good spirits, and yet made another decision..i am stopping the radiation, yesterday was my last treatment. period..end of story..too many frankenstein things happening to my immune system..getting in my pick up my arm, over my heart monday..and another xray for the new treatment.then START 'boot camp" on tuesday am..for 6hrs, a day for almost a month..I am anxious to get this cootie be rid of, process going asap..they also have counseling there and a big part of it..I feel human and loved there..I am eating good..and doing the juice boogie..but right now I am being BAD..rye toast, butter, cream cheese and blueberry jam! ha! talk later...

THANKS ELLEN!

Thanks, ELLEN, she will read the blog to Mom..everyday..yea!! Ok. now that I am experiencing traditional radiation I see and feel the side effects..and this has absolutely convinced me that the alternative is the ONLY way to go..I have had and have thrush, yeast infection..sore kidneys..no energy..sweat like hell, and a new clear bubble in my right eye..I wake up everyday to a new thing..geez..anxoius to start the Boot Camp...NOW..just had a nice beet. kale..veggie juice drink..eeek....strange and weird...like drinking a cardboard smoothie..haha..Polly will be back later to make salmon and asparagas..yummy! and stay over...maybe I will write later...

Well today has been an interesting one..some good, some not so good. I hope someone besides Leslie and Lois and the kids are reading this! Ha!..lets get some comments going, I need this guys, a lot! Ya want to see a bald girl cry...I can't even cry in my beer anymore! geez...called my regular doc in Florida today..not good he flipped out at the mere mention of any other treatment than regular traditional chemo...really got going..like a bunch of killers..ok that was wonderful to hear...like "hang um at the pass" ok then after talking to my radiation lady, she said..'do what ya have to for yourself 'will not abandon me..my internist here wants to hear more and to see me, she is also a Hospice, I guess that is how u spell it,,doc and very caring.....I want to live to see u all again and not feel dragged down and sick that is my goal..of course to be Cootie free..of the litte buggars..screw them..ok..Sharon will be over tonight with "Tootsie" liked it want to laugh tonight....love u all my dear family..help me fight this please...

progress

I have made a decision on my treatment as of yesterday, and its alternative medicine..with renointegrative.com check it out. I have compared regular conventional treatment of highly poisonous toxins that invade your cells and kill your entire immune system in the process and then you. I have obligated myslef to the shitty radiation treatments that I am geeting until around the 7th of Aug..but want the brain lesions shrunk..and then hop right over to "boot camp" as they call it for an intense 6hr 3 or 4 week chemo program there which they do...I am at peace with this and feel more human and not an FDA victim..and if u all want to really survive in this world get the book The PH Miracle it will save your life..Hannah, Eli..I loved your words, and I love u both..Leslie..u already know...